Hi all, last night I watched Veronica Krestow’s video on boundariesand I had a thought, a moment of clarity. I have come to realize why I don’t have the very thing I expressed to desire in my previous blog. I am not living as authentically as I could be, because for the past year and maybe a little before that, I have been trying to succeed in achieving my goals through other people’s perceptions of reality instead of my own. Let me explain. I want so badly to have a life that I’m happy with and that is authentically mine, so, I put my energy into manifesting success through the ways of others because I have adopted the belief that my ways of doing things are wrong and invalid. It is this belief that is the reason I am not living the life I want.
People say that I am psychotic and a freak because who I am and what I believe in, however, I’ve gotta be me. “Whether I’m right or whether I’m wrong, whether I find a place in this world or never belong I gotta be me, I’ve gotta be me. What else can I be but what I am? I want to live, not merely survive.” And the only way that I am going to do that is if I figure out a way to achieve my goals that stays true to me, my inner self and I.
I’m a creative and spiritual person who has neglected parts of himself to gain the acceptance of others. My neglect didn’t have the desired effect, so, I guess what I am saying with all this is; if you want a life of happiness and success, stay true to who you are.
Me at the Model Citizen Fashion Show 2010
Frustration, damnation, circulation; these three words pretty much describes my life right now. I am frustrated because I feel stuck in a situation that I don’t know how to get out of, I am stressed out because I know that my disability is not stopping me from having the life I want, though it is the obstacles caused by my disability that are getting in my way. I want to live a life of authenticity. I want to achieve my dreams and many aspirations. I aspire to be a great friend, boyfriend and a successful model, writer, actor and life coach. However, I cannot effectively accomplish any of these goals from my bed. I cannot live my life to its fullest potential when I am stuck at home all the time. I don’t know how to get the support and assistance I need to make my life a fulfilling success. These challenges that I presently face are just fuelling my frustrations resulting in a less than blissful mood. My current mindset clouds my abilities to problem-solve thus damning myself to a continuous loop of frustration and stress.
If anyone has ideas, comments and/or experiences that they want to share, please do so! I welcome all the help I can get.