I started writing this blog post yesterday, and I was saying how if I want to trust my intuition and the impressions I get, I have to stop hiding my spiritual side. I tend to shy away from expressing my spirituality because of my fear of being judged and deemed crazy again.
I also started talking about the image of the group of elders that came to me when I was meditating yesterday. The elders told me that I can have everything I long for, and then they said three words; patience, faith and emails. They just spoke those three words, but that was enough, I knew what they meant.
Then, as if in confirmation, I got an email from the OT at Gage. Emails are my primary way of connecting and communicating with the world, and in order to manifest my goals, I need to have patience as well as faith.
About an hour and a half later, I meditated again, and I ended up falling asleep. I was drowned by two guys in the dream I had then. The pool that was to be my watery grave had a crocodile or an alligator in it. The men left me to my dismal fate as the croc came up to devour me. However, before he did so, he whispered "trust me." Then he took me in his jaws, and threw me out of the water. The reptile was very gentle with me when I was in his toothie embrace, and when he threw me onto the concrete beside the pool
After watching Veronica's latest video about the paradigm shift, this morning, my dream and vision makes more sense. I just looked up the animal symbolism for the crocodile, and I found out that he represents opportunities to gain new wisdom and create new things.
Image courtesy of adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Today was a good day! I forgot how good it felt to meditate, get out of my head, and just be. I have been really anxious about trying to get published, moving out and getting my power chair fixed up so I'm able to move. However, when I meditated, all that anxiety and weight fell away. I'm going to try to remember to vacate my head more often.
Anyways, people from Gage came today, and in spite of my electric chair not getting fixed in time for them to see me use it, things worked out for the best. I am going to be getting a new chair even though I'm not really eligible for another one for a year - my OT (occupational therapist), said that there are exceptions like changes to my health which can override the five year rule. (I'm only eligible for a new wheelchair every five years.) A lot of exciting things are in the works for me in regards to moving out! I'll be getting a shower chair as well as a phone that I can actually use by myself.
The OT and the health educator who came today, reminded me that every step I take counts regardless of its size. I'm still moving forward and towards my goal. Then they said that I've come a long way, and I thought to myself, "yeah, I guess I have."
I agonized over the following for most of yesterday, and during the night, I came to the understanding that what will be will be. Whatever path I end up on, is where I'm supposed be.¸
The publisher that I met this week wants to find a co-writer and an illustrator to help me redo my book. I was worried about this but I was also worried about how he would react if I told him. I didn't want him to think that I'm not serious and then lose out on this amazing opportunity. However, if I didn't tell him, I wouldn't be staying honest and true to myself, and that is very important to me. If I learned anything from Glee and the other things that inspire me; is not to afraid to be me and express myself. Plus, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and what will be will be.
I am being presented with a few really awesome opportunities and some major, "life-altering" decisions right now...well, actually there are truly only two things to decide. However, let me back up a bit, and tell you this tale properly.
This past Tuesday, I wore my "lucky" Wicked t-shirt whilst messing around online. I was chatting and whatnot when I met a guy who turned out to be a publisher from Lethbridge, Alberta! Not only has he made me my own site, but he has offered to help me publish Starkeeper, achieve my goals, and do some FREAKING SWEETstuff! I'm super glad and GRATEFUL to have met him, but my doubts and fears surrounding my vulnerability have been triggered. Therefore, the first thing that I am deciding to do is not be controlled by my fears. The other decision I'm making is to trust myself even when people advise me to do the opposite. I must faith that my intuition will protect me and guide me along the right paths in this publishing adventure, moving out and whatever adventures the future might bring.
Oh, and on the subject of moving out, it looks like I'll be going to Toronto after all! Everything seems to finally be falling into place!
Hey guys, for those of you that have me on Facebook, Twitter and/or Tumblr, you might have seen my post about how no publisher or literary agency in Canada wants to take on my book. When I got that last rejection letter on Thursday, I started to shutdown. I felt lost and numb. I didn't know what else to do. It is not my story that people have problems with; it's the way I draw. However, I cannot draw any other way, I have a disability, and I'm doing the best I can. My illustrations are definitely not on the same level as the art in an Alan Moore novel, but they're not horribly primitive either. They are pretty decent, though that isn't good enough...but there it is; my Achilles' Heel. Every time I get close to achieving my goals, the notion that I'm not good enough because of my particular physical limitations entraps me, and keeps me from accomplishing what I set out to do.
This limiting belief got in the way of me modelling, acting, screenwriting, dating, moving out, and even graduating from high school. I graduated eventually, however, it was extremely tough. The mind is a very powerful thing. Our perceptions can quite literally make or break us, and since I truly believed that my CP made me less than adequate, my reality conformed to that idea. It was shaped by it, but even though I knew about manifestation/the law of attraction, I still felt powerless to change my situation. Up until Thursday, it was really very frustrating that I could only get so close to my goals, but I now see that my belief was wrong. I now see the trap that I subconsciously built for myself.
Anyways, long story short; a friend of mine helped me find a way to publish my novel without a publishing company, traditional or otherwise. A) I’m going to rent a post office box. B) I’m going to fill out a form to register myself as a publisher, so I can get my ISBN numbers. C) Then I’ll use Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing service to get my novel out there. I figure that if I publish Starkeeper as an ebook first, it still will have the chance to be successful, even if no traditional publishing house picks it up. I looked into self publishing last month, but I thought that it wasn’t for me because there are parts that I can’t do on my own. However, my friend said she would help me.
Making my graphic novel has really been a journey, and has reminded me that there are always ways to achieve our goals. We just have to learn to see beyond the traps we build for ourselves.