A friend of mine suggested that I create an app to help make life a little easier for people with disabilities similar to my own. I did some research, and found the following apps and assistive tech:

http://youtu.be/XePUXmb7Vmk

http://youtu.be/WHKjkMEwl-E

http://youtu.be/m62nm38msJk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wulknNZf654

My mum found me the Line2 app, so thanks Mum!! ūüôā

Day 46

I was EXTREMELY sore and stressed out yesterday. My parents took me to the States to get some non-perishable food for my apartment, and that part of the day was really cool, though at 10 AM, my level of discomfort skyrocketed. My pain meds - the new ones which have worked well, wore off. I thought this odd, and a little worrisome because I've been able to sit in my chair for longer, since my meds changed. Six hours is my present max, however, yesterday, I only lasted for four.

In an effort to distract myself, I started talking with my mum and dad about everything and anything. However, long story short, my little brother's 18th birthday came up our conversation. He also has Cerebral Palsy, and he's been having a lot of appointments to prepare him and my parents for when he turns 18. I had a few appointments of this nature when I was 18, though, their frequency, and the results they're producing greatly differ from my experiences. Even though my brother has a form of CP that is more severe than mine, I should be able to have access to similar services, no?

When I turned 18, I was told that because my disability is physical and not cognitive, the majority of the services that I had received up until my 18th year, would be unavailable to me. I was no longer eligible to have a personal support worker that could help me with my homework, and help me whilst out in the community. The support workers that I have now, are only allowed to aid me with personal care activities such as feeding, grooming, dressing, personal hygiene, etc. at my place of residence. I've always been frustrated by this fact, because my physical needs haven't changed from when I was 17. There was no magick cure waiting for me on my 18th birthday. Though seriously guys, what else would happen when people with physical disabilities turn 18? Last time I checked, magickal cures weren't readily available.

A few years ago, my mum convinced me to take a psych test, just to see if I qualify as having a cognitive disability. According to the test, the only disability I have, is a physical one. Though, there should be some sort of service in place for other young people with physical disabilities.

Anyway, all my frustration led to a dream that wasn't a nightmare, however, it wasn't the happiest dream either. I dreamt that I was back in high school, talking with my friend, Taryn. I don't remember what we talked about, but it had to do with my identity, and how I was feeling.

Day 47

I started to read Think and Grow Rich, yesterday. I have only read the first two chapters so far, but I'm really liking it! It was all about perception, desire and belief. Other than the book and the new apartment, I do feel a change coming. I feel like I am undergoing a metamorphosis.

I know I said I'd write this yesterday, however, I spent the day figuring out my monthly budget. I felt good, really good. I was on a roll - in addition to my budget, I made a grocery list from the meal plan that I did up last week, which I've started to price. I also made a list of things to discuss with my social worker when she came. The list consisted of points all centered around maximizing my independence, and helping me get the most out of living on my own.

Then I went on a search for the closest grocery stores and whatnot. I discovered a Zehrs that is an eleven minute drive from my apartment. I also found out that the bus stop is only a three-minute walk away.

All this may sound trivial, though, getting to do what I've done, just makes me feel closer to the actualization of my goal to have a successful and independent life. Plus, it's making things feel more real.

Today, I started off feeling great, however, I became quite anxious when I told that I wasn't going to get subsidy after all. It ended up being a miscommunication, but before I found that bit out, I wasn't going to miss out on this living opportunity. I was going to make it work, somehow! There was no way in hell that I was going to give up on my apartment. I would've gotten a part-time job if I had to.

The following videos reminded me that I can do anything I set my mind to. We all can. No matter who we are, or what we have individually experienced, we all have the capability and strength to carry on and persevere.

http://youtu.be/FV2vWWROkWY

http://youtu.be/MYShc_IlXr4

Life can really suck sometimes. I know that all too well. I don't have the same disabilities as Ben and Stuart, however, I have my own set of challenges and hurdles to contend with...I'm rather tired now though, so I'm going to end this post here for tonight. I have more that I want to say, so I shall write a part two after I get back from Mooregate tomorrow. I get to go fill out tenancy papers!

Earlier today, I watched Katie Freiling's "let go and let it flow" video. Then I decided to start to consciously make an effort to let go and follow my inspiration. I think that if I just go with the flow, my anxiety won't flare up as often, and I'll make a smoother transition into the independent me.

Anyway, shortly after seeing Katie's vid, I turned on the latest episode of Touch, which has to be one of my favourite TV shows. I was quite excited when Calvin's brother, William woke up, and he sounded and moved a lot like me! "I could totally play a similar character," I thought, ecstatically.

Maybe my aspirations of acting aren't so far-fetched after all!

Image found on Tumblr.

Day 33

Hey, so, yesterday (Thursday, the 14th) I found out that I was ranked #1 for the apartment at Mooregate. Exciting, no?! I thought so, but a couple of people aren't as enthused as I. They're all scared, and worried that I won't  make it on my own. Moving out, and living independently is a totally new experience for me, and because of this, there is a lot of stuff that I will have to learn. I'm no longer in a space of fear, so, people's anxieties surrounding me having a place of my own, don't affect me like they used to. Furthermore, I've come to really understand that if I start acting like the person that I want to become, I will be moving ever closer to said person. I know that sounds obvious and simple, however, it's not as easy to implement.

After watching Teal's video on spirit guides, I got thinking about archetypes, which led to thoughts of Richard, a protagonist in Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series. I see Richard as a model of the type of person that I'm striving to become. He doesn't have all the answers to a lot of what he wants to achieve, however, he knows his worth, and also knows that he's capable of figuring things out. Similarly, I don't know how to do a lot of what I want to do. I've never moved out before, but as Zedd, another character in the Sword of Truth series, would say; "think of the solution, not the problem."  I intend to follow Zedd's advice, and just focus on the here and now.

In the sixth book - The Faith of the Fallen, instead of focusing on his captivity in the Old World, Richard carves Life, a statue depicting the beauty and nobility of life.

I started this post last Friday, but then I went to the hospital because of a really intense pain in my side.

Days 34-41

This past week has been pretty crazy! My parents and I have been busily preparing for my move. We went to Ikea, and a few other stores, it's all a little overwhelming, but exciting! I was anxious earlier in the week, since I'm not too sure of how I'll be able to afford everything. However, I'm going to find out my rent on Monday, and my mum told me today that I have enough money for the first few months, which is a relief! In other news, I went to Baycrest yesterday, to their seating clinic, and things just felt right, there, ya know?! I still really want to move to Toronto, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyways, the people at Baycrest said that I'll have my new electric chair in June! XD

I am experiencing a lot of different emotions now, guys. I'm feeling kinda raw, vulnerable and ANXIOUS, but at the same time, I feel like things are going to work out. I can and will make my goals and aspirations, a reality. There is evidence of this; my novel is in my publisher's hands, and I'm going to Mooregate tomorrow, to see the apartment that I might be getting. Plus, I'm slowly becoming more independent, and more of a self advocate.

However, even though I know that I am making progress, and moving towards my dream life, there is still a part of me that doubts. There's still a part of me that says, "Andre, what the hell are you doing? Don't get your hopes up, man, 'cause what you are trying to do is impossible. How can you possibly succeed when you're in immense pain 24/7?" I do realize that this is just my ego talking, and reprising its role in the war within myself.

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